Gravity...

Oh, the meanings this word has right now in my life. Yeah, it has plenty of meaning for me in the "pilot" sense of things. I fly an aircraft that defies the meaning of this word. This word can also be a furocious enemy to me if something happens to my aircraft. That's not the context of the word that I'm thinking about right now - more of a metaphorical than a literal sense of the word.

I hear this word and many things come to mind. The first one is an emotional dilemma that recently just happened to me. For the past couple of days I haven't been on the this place we call earth. I was in my own little island of craziness. My team had been gone for six days so I was stuck in our barracks for that duration in solitary confinement. Yes, confinement. It's not like I can leave this compound by myself. I started thinking about too many things and getting away from the real sense of reality. It didn't help that I was sick, not getting sleep caused by my bunk/bed that is comprised of portruding, sharp springs that like to draw blood on my back in every sleeping turn. What I'm trying to say is that it helps during a deployment to have your friends around you. It's easy to get sick of them when they're around you all of the time, but when it comes right down to it - they are what keeps you sane and firmly planted on earth - metaphorically speaking. The soldiers you serve with in a combat zone are your gravity.

I also see gravity as a force that brings everything to the center. For me, that center is my family. In these six days that I was in 'solitary confinement' I had time to think about my 'center'. There are two main circumstances to this in my life prior to the deployment and, now, during the deployment itself - both of them tie into each other.
The first circumstance...During my first deployment there weren't too many dilemmas that I was faced with - the "what if" dilemmas that always strew in the brain when a soldier starts to think about something bad happening to him. Yes, I had thought about what my wife and my immediate family would do and picturing things without me there, but it didn't cross my mind as often as it does now. The main reason for this is because of a three-year-old little boy that is my flesh and blood and the center of my 'gravity'. I lost my father when I was eight years old. Looking back to that time and age I have a hard time remembering things about my dad. Sure, I remember moments in time like wrestling on the floor with him when he came home from work and drawing on each other's arms while watching TV. I also am remembered by moments with my father because of stories told by family members. These are things that I'm not referring to. I'm referring to his facial expressions, the smell of his clothes while sitting next to him in church, the gate of his walk, the sound of his laugh...these are things that are lost forever in time. I was eight years old then. My son, JGS, is only three. What will he remember of me if something were to happen to me over here? Will he remember my laugh? Will he remember my mannerisms? These thoughts constantly haunt me. They also keep me firmly planted on the ground -gravity - and make me very alert when I go out of the gate on a mission - putting my life in harms way for another country.
The second circumstance...I started to realize the first circumstance while I was still home; before the deployment. Through my life I have been able to take problems in stride and move on; deal with feelings internally. I was having a hard time with this one because it's one very unique. During my time at home I secluded myself so I could try and deal with the emotions. I did this by hiding behind a golf club - golfing by myself everyday. I wasn't spending time with my family as often as I should and, more importantly, imprinting lasting memories in my son's little mind. Through one circumstance it led to the creation of the other. I wasn't thinking about spending time with my family and was more focused about the issues that were internal to me. Why did I do this? I did this because I had taken my family for granted. It's easy to see it now, but during the actual moment I didn't know I was doing that. A deployment really lets you know how good you have it back home - at least in my life. I wish every person could deploy, not necessarily to a combat zone, but to a place of hardship for a year and then come home. Their view on family and the importance of 'gravity' in the household would be much greater. I hope I never have to deploy again in my career, but I have 10 years remaining in my career so the likelihood is probably high that it will happen again. I can say right now that taking my family for granted...in life...will never happen again. I think that happens to often in life because we see our family every single day.

On a lighter note...talking about gravity...this deployment has really changed my view of the "ground pounder". Gravity, in my career, has brought me from the skies of Army Aviation to the ground of the Infantry soldier. Life on the 'ground' is a completely different realm than that of the Aviation community. It's a lot more chaotic and disorganized. I'm still trying to determine if it's a self-inflicted wound or if it's because of the action that goes outside the walls. I'm leaning toward self-inflicted. There are coordination meetings for coordination meetings - meetings, meetings, meetings. I now know why we never get anything done over here - everyone is in a meeting and not 'doing' anything. I'll give it to the ground guys, though, they live a much more hardened life than that of the aviation community. I always wondered why the ground guys gave us so much shit about our beauty rest (fighter management) and our cushy life. I thought I was busting my hump over here in OIF-1 when I was flying 10-hour missions. I was, but not to the extremes of these guys. Sleep is something of an afterthought for these guys where as I was forced to take 8 hours of time off . Caffeine is a way of life for these guys because sleep isn't always an option. Also, driving an MRAP through the narrow streets of Baghdad, looking for IEDs along the side of the road is as stressful and mind boggling as flying a night-aided mission in the heat of battle. I know this because I'm now that guy in the MRAP as the lead truck commander of my team. I have grown a respect for the infantry and other ground units that I would have never had before if it weren't for this assignment. This has truly diversified me as a soldier, aviation and leader in the Army.

So gravity, I think, in my life has played and is still playing a big part in my life. A word that once meant nothing but bad things for me is now a word that provides self-reflection, moral values and respect.